"Do you prefer more peanut better than jelly, or more jelly to peanut butter when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" I asked.

A long pause.

"What?" She asked.

"Do you--"

"I heard what you said. It just seems a strange first question on a first date."

"Why is that?" I asked.

"Most people ask the big questions, like 'What kind of partner are you looking for?', 'Do you hope to get married?', 'Do you want to have kids some day?'. Things like that."

"But those questions are nearly inconsequential."

"WHAT?" She was incredulous, "Those are THE most important questions that--"

"I may be assuming a bit," I interrupted, "but if someone is willing to ask those types of questions, the answers are fairly obvious."

"How so?"

"Well, if I want to know if you're looking to get married, then you already know that I do. If I ask if you want to have kids, you know that that's something I think about. Right?"

"... Okay, I see your point."

"So we're obviously on this date, not just to get laid, but also to find someone that's a good match. Right?"

"Yes." She was hesitant.

"Then the more important question is how you like your peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

"Because you already know that I want marriage and kids. But what about what I'm looking for in someone?"

"That's the thing: I don't want to know that you're looking for a kind, sensitive guy with a good sense of humor. Everyone is looking for that. Any more than you want to hear that I'm looking for a girl with a good sense of humor, decent motherly instincts, and a nice rack."

"Hey--"

"Sorry. But you know what will come up a hundred times in a relationship? How do you want your sandwich? Do you lose your shit when a person leaves the toilet seat up? Do you go dishwasher nazi and make sure that all the utensils are lined up perfectly? Do you like sports? Would you care if I had a day each week to hang out with the guys? Do you drink milk straight from the carton? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite band? Favorite artist? What's your sex drive like? If I told you that the dude abides, would you know what I'm talking about? Do you like playing video games? Do you like trying crazy foods? Do you wear lipstick? How often? If you say you'll be somewhere in thirty minutes, are you? All of those are going to come up at least once a day. Probably several times a day. But you're only going to ask me about marriage and kids once."

She sighed.

"Or have I just ended this date by being an ass?" I asked dryly.

"No, no. I'm just not sure what you meant by 'the dude abides'."

"... get out."